I’ve written some books.
“…refreshingly original in conception and assured in its prose style” – JM Coetzee
Separated from the ravaged Mainland by a shallow channel known as the Wading, the beautiful island of Cape Formosa seems a tropical idyll, intact and at peace. But when the regular supply aircraft is crippled in a storm, stranding the pilot and his granddaughter Claudette on the island, the dreamy calm of the Cape is broken, and a long-delayed confrontation between two of its most enigmatic figures can no longer be avoided.
A brutal murder. An ancient secret. Lots of short sentences. When C.C. Langa — Nobel Prize winner, love-god – is called to investigate a mysterious killing in the National Gallery he finds himself the target of a plot that will change the course of history forever. It’s a gripping race against purple prose as Langa and his beautiful partner follow a trail of clues through South Africa, their every move shadowed by an assassin with a family history of sunburn and a shadowy mastermind known only as the Teacher. Are there secrets worth killing for? Can Langa discover the shattering truth? How many roads must a man walk down before he can say he’s a man? Why do blurbs always ask rhetorical questions?
This hilarious take on our collective past reveals stunning new discoveries and fascinating new figures, from Koos van Doosch, the cheese pimp who settled the Cape a year before Van Riebeeck, to Shaka’s lesser-known brother, Nigel Zulu, who just wanted to be a florist. Discover how the winner of the Mr Mielie Board beauty pageant came to rule South Africa, and celebrate our greatest triumphs, like when Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman won the Rugby World Cup in 1995. From small fat gold-plated rhinos in Mapungubwe to small fat gold-plated politicians in Mangaung, The Unauthorised History of South Africa tells you the history you always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask.
When it came it wasn’t through a burning bush or out of a thundercloud. Instead it blew up his toilet. Barely tolerated at work, his calls to Rhonda unanswered for a fortnight, George wasn’t in the mood for visitors when the Angel of the Eleventh Hour appeared. But what George wanted and what the Angel Madadoel wanted were two very different things; and when the Intelligence of the Intelligency of the Moon says Jump, and has a penchant for murdering people who disagree with him (‘correction through incineration’), you ask How high? And so begins a tale of an unwilling prophet with faith in almost nothing, and a celestial messenger capable of almost anything.
Once upon a time I wrote a sports column in the Mail&Guardian called ‘Pitch & Mutter’ about how nasty sports are. This is a collection of those mutterings. It includes this ditty I wrote about firing AK-47s into the sky, to be sung to the tune of “Let’s Do It, Let’s Fall In Love”: Kurds do it, Maccabees do it / Particularly angry Lebanese do it / Let’s do it, let’s shoot in the air. / In Spain secessionist sets do it / Osama’s troglodyte cadets do it / Let’s do it, let’s shoot in the air. / The folks in old Palestine do it / Not to mention the Tamils / Saudi sheiks supine do it / Though it frightens their camels. / Egyptians for a lark do it / Protestors in Hyde Park do it / Let’s do it, let’s shoot in the air…
Breaking news, into lots of little pieces. At last, print catches up with electronic news as Hayibo.com brings you a selection of its freshest and steamiest scoops. Rated the second best source of satirical news after the SABC, it is a permanent bookmark on desktops of the rich and infamous, and an almost unparalleled blight on international journalism. Hayibo.com brings you all the South African news that’s unfit to print: from Gummi Bears to Gadaffi, Malema to Mugabe and from bad to worse, we’re there scraping it up and dishing it out!
The second volume of Hayibo’s most popular “news” stories, back when the Commander-In-Chief was still “100% for Zuma”. Features exclusive scoops like “Zuma forced to be President as corruption smear makes him unemployable”, “Media begins to panic that swine flu might not be global pandemic”, “DA remembers victims of 1976 Cancelled Cliff Richard Concert” and many more…
Compiled with local legend Luke Alfred, this is a collection of some of the best sports writing on offer in South Africa over the past 50 years.