The Thunder That Thunders


So I wrote a fake history book in 2013, all except the last chapter. That was provided by the government, after a spokesdrone slipped R5 into their new Historo-Matic machine. This is what came out of the Truth Slot.


Hello South Africa, how are you, we are fine, thank you for asking. This is going to be a short chapter, because reading is a leading cause of cancer. That is the golden rule of Msanzi: overtaxing taxpayers is Good, overtaxing your brain – especially in thinking about politics – is Bad. So let us get started! Halala the Historo-Matic machine, halala!

The era of Msholozi, aka Jacob Zuma, aka Number 1, aka The Thunder That Thunders, aka Pappy, was the greatest time for Mzansi ever in the history of the world. This was because of President Jacob Zuma’s incredible brilliance, which continues to shine down on us today like the sun which orbits around the Earth. If you still doubt that he is the Chosen One, please consider the following true facts about Msholozi:

1. Msholozi did not have human parents. His father was the lightning and his mother was the rich red earth of Nkandla. As such, he will live forever, so if all you patriots out there want to campaign for the constitution to be changed to allow him to rule forever, that is cool.

2. For over 6 million years, his people begged Msholozi to run for President, but he declined, as he was too busy protecting the Earth from asteroids by using his handsome, generously domed head as a mighty space-shield.

3. When he finally agreed to become President, the nation rewarded his selfless sacrifice by giving him 468% of the vote. Thabo Mbeki got 102% of the vote, because our movement is united and there is no dissent, and anyone who disagrees is clearly a member of the dirty rotten stinky Mbeki faction. (Helen Zille got one vote, from her husband, but it was spoiled because after he made his X he remembered that he was married to Helen Zille and vomited on the ballot paper.)

4. His first act after becoming President was to make South Africa perfect. (Note: if you or your loved ones have encountered anything that is not perfect, this is almost certainly the result of an evil spell, probably cast by Lindiwe Mazibuko.)

5. In 2009, Msholozi listened to the hopes and dreams of all his people (by shutting his eyes and saying, “Omniscience, on!”). Despite the fact that he had made South Africa perfect two years earlier, he heard that his people wanted jobs, and so he created 80 million jobs. You can’t prove that he didn’t. And it’s not his fault if only a few thousand people turned up for work that Monday.

6. In 2010, he scored the winning goal in the World Cup final, a header into the top corner from the other end of the field. He headed the ball so hard that it popped, but the force of his head made the shreds of ball fly straight and true into the opposite goal, a few seconds before the sonic boom of the shot echoed around the stadium. (Note: if you don’t remember this happening, it probably means you weren’t watching the game but were rather engaged in subversive anti-Ubunti behaviour like reading books.)

7. Msholozi is an incredible mentor. In 2011, Msholozi found a frightened non-swimmer cowering next to a municipal swimming pool, terrified of the water. He went to the boy and told him that he would teach him how to swim. That boy’s name was Chad le Clos. (Note: the only reason that Msholozi did not compete in the 2012 Olympics himself is that he wanted white people to feel good about themselves by winning a few medals. His withdrawal from the track and field events also came as a huge relief to Ussain Bolt, who had feared the humiliation of watching Msholozi disappear into the distance in a cloud of dust and swinging leopard tails.)

8. In 2013 he was officially recognized as the most inspirational leader in the history of the world. Thanks to Msholozi, millions of children can now believe in the South African dream: that you can grow up dirt poor and leave school in Grade 5 but end up earning millions of rands a year just for singing and dancing at election rallies every five years…


If you want to read more truths printed out by the Historo-Matic, please buy the book by clicking here. After all, Jacob Zuma has made so many people rich, he might as well send a few bob my way.

Published by Tom Eaton

Tom Eaton is a columnist, satirist, screenwriter and sometime-novelist.

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